avannah sat on her bed, legs crossed and bent over her math book. Her Jack Skellington sweatshirt was too big for her slight frame and hung loosely off her shoulders. The white skeleton face of Jack on the front was cracked in many places because of all the washings the sweatshirt had been through. The black of the sweatshirt was faded to a dull hue. Still, she loved how the sweatshirt fit, like a snug security blanket that she could almost hide in. The same could be said of her long bangs that hung down past her eyes. Ragged brown edges that hadn’t been trimmed in a while often covered her large doe eyes, dark brown and fringed with long black lashes. Both her bangs and her clothes suited her just fine, allowing her to feel hidden. Not that she was really a wall flower. She just chose to keep to herself, watching the world pass through a brown fringed curtain.
Savannah
decided it was easier this way, to be unnoticeable. She had learned after three moves that observation
was better than action. After all, what
had action ever gotten her before but sadness at leaving friends and unfinished
dreams? There was the junior choir she’d
had to give up for the last move, leaving before she could sing her solo at the
spring concert. The move before that it
had been a Girl Scout troop left before she could complete the bridging
ceremony to Junior Girl Scouts. And
before that it was a ballet career cut short.
Okay, maybe there had never been a career in the works, but after
leaving her first ballet teacher she never enjoyed ballet as much. Besides, Savannah rationalized that it was
better to sit passively on the sidelines when you moved every couple
years. Two years was just enough time to
make good friends and get too involved, and that made moves even harder.
Now,
six months into this most recent move, Savannah had stuck to her guns, not
joining in any activities and mostly staying to herself. Of course, it was hard to make friends of
girls when you dressed more like a boy.
Savannah looked up from her math book and glanced at the Tony Hawk shoes
she wore, remembering the day her mother had bought them for her.
“Are
you sure you want these shoes?” Her mom had asked. “They’re boy shoes you know?”
“I
don’t care,” Savannah had responded, “I like them.”
Her
mother had looked at her uncertainly.
“Aren’t you worried the girls will make fun of you if you wear these?”
She asked.
“No,”
Savannah replied simply. And in reality
she was not worried. It didn’t bother
her that some girls might think it was funny that she wore boy’s shoes.
In the
end, her mother had relented and bought her the shoes, and Savannah had worn
them every day since, along with her Jack Skellington sweatshirt, much to her
mother’s disapproval.
“You
have a closet full of nice clothes that your grandparents and aunts sent you
for your birthday. Why don’t you wear some
of those instead?” her mother always asked.
“I
do!” Savannah insisted. She did wear many of the shirts she had
received as gifts. It’s just that they
were always covered by the Jack Skellington sweatshirt. Anyway, Savannah didn’t like most of the
things her grandparents and aunts had sent her:
shirts with flowers and frills, and little skirts and button up pastel
sweaters. It was like her family still
thought of her as the six year old that had left five years ago.
Savannah
unzipped her camouflage backpack with “Army” emblazoned across it and shoved
her math book inside, then took out a green spiral notebook. Opening the notebook she flipped through
several pages until finding a blank one, then began to write.
Diary,
It’s day number 184
here. Thanks to Mrs. Hale teaching us
percents I now know that means I’m only 25% through this move. Of course, that’s if we end up staying here
two years. Nothing much to report
today. Eileen and the Brat Pack seem to
have lost interest in me. Probably
because they are bothering the new girl now.
That’s just fine with me. At
least they’re leaving me alone, and that means I can go back to being invisible
Me. Just waiting for the next move to
hurry up and get here. Only 546 days to
go…
Savannah
looked at the three little dots left hanging at the end of her last
sentence. She found out from Mrs. Hale
that those three dots have a name – ellipsis.
She liked how the dots seemed to hang in space, just waiting for the
next words to get there. Kind of like
how she had to wait. But how nice to be
a patient ellipsis on a page of words instead of an impatient 5th
grader watching the time stretch out in an endless road ahead of you. Or maybe more like a never ending circle, or
better yet, an ellipse.
Sometimes
Savannah thought of time like it was laid out on a giant oval race track with
January 1st the starting line and each month connected to the next
in a curve of 12 blocks that shaped the oval path. The black and white checkered line at
December 31st marked the finish line of the year. But unlike the Nascar races her dad watched
on TV where the first driver across the line celebrated by burning out and
driving to Victory Lane where they thanked their sponsors and fans, there was
no Victory Lane in time. No matter how
many times you crossed the finish line at the end of the year, there was always
a new starting line the very next day and little reason to celebrate. The ellipse of time left you hanging a lot
like the ellipsis at the end of a sentence.
But at least those three little dots made you feel like there was hope,
like something better was coming to finish the sentence. Savannah knew she was like that ellipsis,
just waiting for something better to come along and finish her.
“Savannah!” Her mom’s call interrupted her thoughts and
brought her back to reality. “Come down
for dinner!”
Savannah
sighed and closed her notebook. She
wondered what her mother had fixed for dinner and dreaded the ideas. It didn’t matter how many times Savannah
complained about the foods she didn’t like, her mother still insisted on
serving them to her at meal times.
That’s because her mom had a theory that you had to try a new food at
least 15 times before you start to like it.
Savannah wasn’t sure about that theory and wasn’t anxious to prove it to
her mother.
“There
you are!” her mother said when Savannah came into the kitchen. “I need you to set the table for me while I
finish up.” Savannah looked over her
mom’s shoulder at the pot of bubbling chili on the stove.
“Ugh. You know I hate chili!” Savannah whined. Beans, tomatoes and ground beef together were
a trifecta of her least favorite foods.
Her
mother sighed, exasperated, and pushed a blond curl out of her eyes. “Well, you never know. Maybe you’ll like it this time.” She pulled a pan of butter and honey
cornbread out of the oven and took it to the table. Savannah was glad to see the cornbread since
that would be the only thing she ate tonight.
“Mmm,
chili and cornbread. A perfect dinner
for this cold day, Helen!” Savannah’s
dad, Kyle, came in from the garage, letting a cold blast of air in. He had just returned from work and was still
dressed in his army fatigues. His dark hair was close cut in the military style
and his cheeks were red from the cold outside. He stopped to kiss Savannah’s mom on the cheek
as he walked past.
Helen
smiled up at him. “Well, after 15 years,
I think I know a thing or two about keeping you happy.”
Her dad
laughed. “True enough!” He sat down at the table and started serving
chili into his bowl. “Man, it was cold
out on the airstrip today. Jimmy forgot
his coffee cup outside and by the time he remembered it was already half frozen.” Her dad’s dark eyes twinkled. “I’m pretty sure that’s how those fancy
coffee places first came up with those frozen coffees.”
He
laughed and nudged Savannah as she walked by to sit at the table with him. She just grimaced and shook her head. “Dad, you’re such a goofball,” she said.
“Well,
better to be a goofball than a nutball, I always say.” He laughed out loud and grinned at her as he
scooped out the center piece of cornbread from the pan.
“Where
is Joshua?” Savannah’s mom asked, looking annoyed. The crease between her light eyebrows grew
deeper as she fiddled with her makeshift bun of curly blonde hair that had
fallen loose. She turned her blue eyes
to Savannah and sighed. Her mom sighed
often, but Savannah didn’t think her mom even noticed how much she did it. “Savannah, could you please go find your
brother?”
Savannah
was pretty sure she knew where her brother was, and when she went looking, she
found him right where she expected to.
“Josh, come on, it’s time for dinner.
Didn’t you hear Mom call?”
Joshua
looked up at her from his place on the floor, little green army men strewn
around in various locations and positions; a miniature war being played out in
the basement. His spiky blond hair and
pale face reminded her of a photo negative of her dad. He frowned and looked back down at the
soldiers closest to him. That’s when she
noticed her old Ken doll was propped up next to the soldiers, a helmet from a
GI Joe doll sat askew on his head. “I
heard her, but Sgt. Ken was right in the middle of giving orders for the next
attack. ‘Ok, soldiers, move to your
positions!” He said this last part with
a fake deep voice. Josh moved the little
green soldiers to their positions and then nodded with satisfaction.
“What’s
for dinner?” he asked as he walked past her to the basement stairs.
“Chili,”
Savannah said, and stuck out her tongue in disgust.
“Awesome!”
Josh said and raced up the stairs.
#
Savannah played with the chili in her bowl, swirling it
and stirring it. Every now and then she
would get a little broth on her spoon and pretend to eat. She reached for another piece of cornbread,
the yellow cube glistening with honey and butter. Her mom sighed and Savannah looked across the
table to see her mom frowning at her.
“Savannah, I wish you weren’t so picky. How do you expect to grow if you don’t
eat?”
“Leave her alone,” her dad said. “I wasn’t much of an eater when I was a kid
either, but look at me now.” It was
true, her dad was tall and strong, and there wasn’t a food he turned his nose
up at. But Savannah found it hard to
believe she would EVER like tomatoes or beans.
Her dad sighed heavily and pushed his bowl back. Savannah looked up surprised that it wasn’t
her mom sighing this time. He rubbed his
hands together and cleared his throat.
Savannah knew he had news to share, and she had a bad feeling that it
wasn’t good news.
“Commander informed us today that we can expect to deploy
to Iraq soon.” He made the announcement
without preamble. A hush fell over the
table; not even a spoon clinked against a bowl.
Savannah’s mom was the first to speak.
“Well, Kyle, we’ve all known this was coming. We just wish you didn’t have to go. Did they tell you how soon before you
leave?” Her voice was strong and clear,
but Savannah could see the worry in her blue eyes.
“There’s no set date yet, but he told us it would be in a
couple weeks.”
The clank of a spoon hitting a bowl made Savannah
jump. Her brother’s chair scraped
noisily back from the table and he took off running. Savannah hadn’t seen his face, but she knew
he was crying. Ever since the mention
over a month ago of their dad being sent to Iraq, he had been upset and
worried.
Savannah’s dad sighed again; an uncharacteristic sound
for him. “I’ll go talk to him,” he said,
and left the table to find Josh.
Savannah and her mom were left at the table alone. The echoes of a happy family dinner now
vanished. “Are you okay?” her mom asked.
Savannah couldn’t look at her mom. She knew if she did she would start crying
too. She was glad for her brown bangs
that hid her eyes. “Of course,” she said
softly. “Why wouldn’t I be? I mean, we knew it was coming. That’s part of being an Army family,
right?” She said the last part with
bitterness in her voice. Being an Army
family was definitely not what it was cracked up to be. Moving every couple of years, and now her dad
being sent away to a war zone just made her realize that even more.
“It’ll be okay.”
Her mom tried to sound convincing but Savannah knew even she didn’t believe
her own words. “He’ll be back before we
know it. You know, Savannah, your
brother really needs you to be strong.
You know how he looks up to you.
Can you do that for him?”
Not able to stare into her bowl of cold chili any longer,
Savannah looked up at her mom and brushed away a stray tear. “Sure.
Yeah, I can do that.” But in
reality, she wasn’t so sure she could.